The Superwoman Complex

It's almost noon, and I'm still trying to wake up with my first cup of coffee. I'm having the same problem I did yesterday where my coffee just tastes funny. Is it me? Is it the coffee? Am I losing my taste for coffee?? No that last one can't be it. I have no one to ask their opinion. The husband is asleep and the little one, well if she were here I'd never let her taste it, she would be awake for eternity. Plus, she yet has the words or experience in coffee to give me a valid opinion.

I love and hate this part of the day. I'm alone. I love getting my alone time. I need it for my sanity. But this is also the time I feel guilty. I've been blessed with a very special woman who helps me with my daughter. My mom, and my husband's mom have passed away, so the little one has no blood grandma. My sister and her husband don't plan on having kids, so his mother has taken the roll as grandma. We call her "Nanna". She treats my little girl like gold and my little girl loves her. I feel guilty because when I wake up without my little one, I feel as if I shouldn't be getting this time to myself. As if I don't deserve it. I'm not sure why I feel this way, and maybe other mother's reading this could relate to why I feel this way. I'm sure there are plenty of parents who only wish they had someone who would take their little ones for a night, so they could have time alone with their significant other. And don't get me wrong. I am very grateful. I guess as a mother, we always feel we can do better. We always feel we are like Superwoman and we can handle everything with no problems. Oh and let me clarify something. I hope you aren't reading this and thinking, "oh she's one of those moms who doesn't really care about anyone but themselves", because I know the type. The mom who wasn't responsible enough to say "hey I'm going to have a baby, my life needs to change now, it's about this baby, not me." and go on living life as if the child were never born. You know the type, spending every night in a bar, always bringing random guys home without even a thought of how confused their little one might be. No. I know the type. They make me sick to my stomach. They need a serious reality check. No, I am not this person. I am a working mom. I work nights at a family owned restaurant. My husband and I both do. He is the manager. We get out of work really late some nights... Almost 1am on weekends. Usually, around midnight on weekdays. The reason why I let her sleep there is I hate to wake her up out her sleep. And usually when we have to do that she's very cranky, and has the worst time going back to sleep. She brings her in the morning when they wake up. Today is a little different because she took her to run some errands with her. I just feel as if I'm missing out on the important things. It's all important. But I feel like I'm missing "the" important thing, whatever that may be. But I will be honest. I rather go to work. Not that I don't love my daughter. I love her more than anything and I never imagined you could love SO much. But I feel I have a better relationship with her when I get some time away from her. Some "me" time. Some time to have an adult conversation. So why do I feel guilty for needing my sanity to get by in life? I feel I'm just trying to make a better life for my daughter. I just wish I didn't have to constantly remind myself of it. I guess it's the Superwoman Complex.