The Motivator

It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I've always been a horrible journal keeper. Anything that seems to involve me doing something consecutively. I lack that. The most I think I've done that has that feel to it is take my vitamins and birth control pills. I've always lacked the motivation to get things done. The important things, like loosing weight. I am struggling now because I've let it go far too long. Now I think it will be even harder. I'm older, I'm a lot more overweight, and I don't have as much "free" time anymore. I like in a place that at this current time of year feels like I have moved to the sun itself. I had started to walk and right when I was really getting in to it, the heat was insane. I tried going earlier and earlier and it just stayed hot. I got a stationary bike so I can ride it indoors, where it's cool, and free of rain. My problem is getting and keeping the motivation to stick with it. I have all the reasons I need to loose weight starting me right in my face. My daughter, my husband, and me. I want to live a long life, watch my child grow, grow old with my husband and mainly, I want to be happy and not feel uncomfortable everywhere I go and in everything I do. I hope it's enough. I know I've had enough of being like this.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Well today is Cinco de Mayo. So Happy Cinco de Mayo! I'll be at work. My family owns four Mexican restaurants. So hopefully we should be busy tonight. It's never a dull moment at work. We have a crew with a lot of interesting personalities. So even on a slow night someone is bound to do something silly. Over the years, I have always said someone should write a book, or better yet a soap opera about our adventures at work. There is always some sort of drama stirring up somewhere. It goes way back, before I was even old enough to work there. Ahh, someone could make millions!

Well my daughter has been in rare form lately. Man O Man, I wish all of her teeth would just come out and get it over with! And to top it all off, while she may have gotten her teeth late, she's breaking into "the terrible two's" quite early. If this is a preview, I'm scared to see the horror movie I'm about to witness very soon. She's very fond of the "No game". See this is how you play: Step 1. Child goes to touch something she isn't supposed to be touching. Step 2. Mom tells her no. Step 3. Child assumes mom is ready to play her favorite game. Step 3. Child proceeds to touch the object again. Step 4. Mom says no, a little louder. Step 5. Child smiles her best imp smile and touches it again. Step 6. Mom goes into to her obviously completely hilarious state of wanting to pull her hair out. Step 7. That was great mom.... let's play again...with a NEW object. *sigh* Needless to say, I'm so tired of saying no, I've tried to think of new ways to tell her not to do something. I love my daughter, more than anything, but she can be so frustrating. I guess I'm in a fairytale world because I wish our time together, which isn't much these days, would be all sorts of perfect and smiles and laughs. Sadly, most of our time together lately has been her whining. I can tell when it's because she is in pain. But most of the time it's the theme song she likes whenever she is following my every move around the apartment. How can I tell? Oh it's just the exaggerated faces she makes while doing it. I'm telling you, I have a small actress on my hands. Hopefully this whining stage will end soon. I know all kids whine, but at least they have a larger vocabulary to tell you why is whining is occurring.

Well it's about time for work. Be safe all of you Cinco de Mayo party goers!

The Superwoman Complex

It's almost noon, and I'm still trying to wake up with my first cup of coffee. I'm having the same problem I did yesterday where my coffee just tastes funny. Is it me? Is it the coffee? Am I losing my taste for coffee?? No that last one can't be it. I have no one to ask their opinion. The husband is asleep and the little one, well if she were here I'd never let her taste it, she would be awake for eternity. Plus, she yet has the words or experience in coffee to give me a valid opinion.

I love and hate this part of the day. I'm alone. I love getting my alone time. I need it for my sanity. But this is also the time I feel guilty. I've been blessed with a very special woman who helps me with my daughter. My mom, and my husband's mom have passed away, so the little one has no blood grandma. My sister and her husband don't plan on having kids, so his mother has taken the roll as grandma. We call her "Nanna". She treats my little girl like gold and my little girl loves her. I feel guilty because when I wake up without my little one, I feel as if I shouldn't be getting this time to myself. As if I don't deserve it. I'm not sure why I feel this way, and maybe other mother's reading this could relate to why I feel this way. I'm sure there are plenty of parents who only wish they had someone who would take their little ones for a night, so they could have time alone with their significant other. And don't get me wrong. I am very grateful. I guess as a mother, we always feel we can do better. We always feel we are like Superwoman and we can handle everything with no problems. Oh and let me clarify something. I hope you aren't reading this and thinking, "oh she's one of those moms who doesn't really care about anyone but themselves", because I know the type. The mom who wasn't responsible enough to say "hey I'm going to have a baby, my life needs to change now, it's about this baby, not me." and go on living life as if the child were never born. You know the type, spending every night in a bar, always bringing random guys home without even a thought of how confused their little one might be. No. I know the type. They make me sick to my stomach. They need a serious reality check. No, I am not this person. I am a working mom. I work nights at a family owned restaurant. My husband and I both do. He is the manager. We get out of work really late some nights... Almost 1am on weekends. Usually, around midnight on weekdays. The reason why I let her sleep there is I hate to wake her up out her sleep. And usually when we have to do that she's very cranky, and has the worst time going back to sleep. She brings her in the morning when they wake up. Today is a little different because she took her to run some errands with her. I just feel as if I'm missing out on the important things. It's all important. But I feel like I'm missing "the" important thing, whatever that may be. But I will be honest. I rather go to work. Not that I don't love my daughter. I love her more than anything and I never imagined you could love SO much. But I feel I have a better relationship with her when I get some time away from her. Some "me" time. Some time to have an adult conversation. So why do I feel guilty for needing my sanity to get by in life? I feel I'm just trying to make a better life for my daughter. I just wish I didn't have to constantly remind myself of it. I guess it's the Superwoman Complex.